


Mystic Messenger Crack Fic

by sevendeadlysins077



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Cat, Cult, Drugs, I wasn’t high I swear, Mystic Messenger - Freeform, a mess, crackfic, cursing, good luck reading this shit, idk how to tag whoops, lisa frank - Freeform, phineas and ferb - Freeform, this is my contribution to the mystic messenger fandom, vacuum - Freeform, vacuums, youre welcome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 14:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14404362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevendeadlysins077/pseuds/sevendeadlysins077
Summary: Follow the lives of TV, Sven and his twin Saran Wrap, Vanderwinkle, and friends. Also featuring Rick and her cult, “Mint Ear.” More characters to be added soon ig when I get inspiration.





	1. Main crackfic series 1

**Author's Note:**

> Istg I wasn’t high while writing any of these

“TV WHAT IS THIS ABOUT MY BROBRO!!!!!!!” Sven yelled at the older blue haired man.

“I-I dunno man!!!!” TV screeched, running from the redhead. Sven had a taser in his hand.

“WHY IS SARAN IN A CULT!!! AND WHY IS RICK TRYING TO DRUG HIM?!?!” He yelled again, pointing at the scene.

Saran was currently being force fed a pale blue liquid from a glass bottle by a blonde named Rick. Saran obviously did not like that and was mad that his brobro wasn’t doing shit.

TV flailed his arms around and left the dungeon. The door locked behind him.

“Shit.” said Sven as he realized the grave situation he was in.

Rick noticed this and giggled, “Now it’s time for your dose of medication whhergjsbdkwrbl~~!”

It was time for Sven to skedaddle the fuck out of there. The redhead ran laps around the dank room and Rick just stood in the center. 

That dumbass got tired and collapsed.

Rick simply sauntered over in her cultish robes and grabbed his red hair, pulled his head back, and poured the rest of the drug down his throat.

He grunted and tried to pull away, but soon just gave in and accepted the drink.

Rick finally pulled away and cackled. “Now you have been showed paradise!!!”

Meanwhile, Sven and his brother Saran were trippin’ out. 

In a Lisa Frank-esque world, the twins danced around, all hatred forgotten and instead replaced by glee. 

“SVENIE-HYUNG ILY!!!!” The poor boy didn’t even say ‘I love you,’ he just said ily.

“AAAAAAAA MY DONGSAENG, SARANGHAE!!!!!!” dear god

Soon they fell into some weird rainbow river and got washed downstream to a dark, gloomy rainforest.

“Let’s go there!!!!” Sven said, jumping up and down excitedly and pointing at it.

“Is that a smart thing to do, brobro????”

“Prolly not but who tf cares fam.”

So they went over to the monochrome rainforest.

Sven, being the hyperactive dumbass he is, fell into a hole and hit his head. 

The next second he jolted awake, an electric current flowing through his body.

“AAAAOASISHSHDHCHCJSJF!¡!¡!¡”

Vanderwinkle hissed, “you dumb child stop snoozing and get to work before I fucking kill you bish”

It was a dream.


	2. Extra crackfic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven runs out of his life source;
> 
> Honey Butter Chips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one isn’t even related to the first I just realized but who the fuck cares this is not canon in my crackfic world

Today was the day.

Seven had been dreading this moment, but he knew it was eventually coming. He had run out of his life source.

Honey Butter Chips.

Luckily, the red-headed hacker had some Dr Pepper left in his fridge, but he had no chips. His “lifetime” supply of them had lasted for years and he hadn’t noticed he ate the last bag until it was too late. 

And to top it all off, he had thrown empty Dr Pepper cans and Honey Butter Chips bags all over his bunker trying to hunt more down. It reeked with rotten Dr Pepper, which covered up the strong scent of the chips.

He was interrupted from his panicking by a loud knock on his door.

“SEVEN!!! LET ME IN!!!”

Shit. It was his quote-on-quote maid, Vanderwood. Now, he was fucked.

He slowly got out of his chair and trudged to the door, opening it and facing the senior agent. As usual, Vanderwood had a face mask on and was wearing his long brown hair in a ponytail. He also had some rubber gloves in place of his leather ones.

“H-hello, Mary Vanderwood~!” Seven cheerfully said, his voice unwillingly cracking. 

“Seven. What have you fucking done...?” Vanderwood hissed under his breath as the redhead backed away, letting him get a good view of the mess. The brunette’s jaw dropped. He was... disgusted. At least he was going to get paid for cleaning (...???).

Seven nervously giggled before dashing away from the seething senior agent. 

“S E V E N!!!!!!” he roared, chasing after the small dude. “CHOI!!!!!! LUCIEL!!!!!!”

“AAAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!¡!"

Sadly, Seven escaped. It was time for Vanderwood to experience Hell.

He made sure his gloves were on tight and went to work picking up the litter and revealing the dull floor which seemed to have a strange coating of something on it. Vanderwood had no interest in finding out what it was. 

After the chip bags and soda cans were thrown in a large trash bag, which was then thrown in a dumpster right outside the bunker (damn, was Vanderwood lucky), he got a mop. This ‘maid’ was well prepared, seeing as he hid cleaning supplies in Seven’s closet. He cleaned the floor for hours before it finally had a nice shine to it, and was as vibrant as ever.

“Hhhh,” Vanderwood groaned, taking a breath while leaning against the wall to observe his work. It was definitely an improvement. He put the cleaning supplies up, then just took some of Seven’s money and skedaddled, y’know????

Seven was in shock from loss of his chips and never noticed.


	3. Crackfic pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sven and Saran build a machine, Rick plans her revenge on TV, and chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck idk

Rick stepped away, admiring her invention. 

“MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the AliveVacuuminator is perfect.”

The blonde psycho giggled and bounced around it, muttering praises back and forth to no one in particular. Her skinny arms waved in the air, while her wide green eyes glistened in the dim lighting of the dank basement. Her weird-colored dress screamed innocence, but the manic look in her eyes said otherwise.

A hiss suddenly came from the corner of the room, and a loud clanking noise erupted from the same area.

“Ah, Diana the 2nd.... you walked right into my trap.”

Rick pulled a flashlight out of midair and shined it over in the corner to reveal a white, blue-eyed Persian cat who wore a fedora. A metal cage enclosed it, which had been dropped from the ceiling due to the feline stepping on a pressure plate.

Rick giggled and pressed the button on her   
-inator, causing a sonic wave to burst from the machine.

“NOW ALL VACUUMS WILL COME TO LIFE!!! THIS IS REVENGE ON TV FOR VACUUMING UP MY FAVORITE COCKROACH!!!!”

Diana 2nd visibly cringed at this. Even this cat knew this blonde bitch was insane.

 

••••Meanwhile••••

Sven and Saran happily ran around their yard, their feud seemingly forgotten.

Sven turned to his white-haired brother.

“I know what we’re going to do today.”

Saran, not being a big talker after having drugs poured down his throat, tilted his head to the side. His mint eyes glistened and asked the question for him; ‘what?’

“Build a machine that’ll make Dinny speak~~~”

Up in their house, a black-haired Casanova vigilantly watched the twins. 

“What are they about to do with Diana the 2nd...,” he hissed under his breath.

His steel grey eyes stayed focused on them for a few seconds longer, like a predator hunting its prey. He growled and stood up, racing out the door in his suit and tie. 

“SVEN!! SARAN!! WHAT HAPPENED TO DIANA THE 2ND!!!¡!”

“Bitch I dunno”

“HshsjaJhjshwjsjJEEJDKAIDJLADIEKDHDK that’s it.”

The black-haired dude dashed out of the yard, screaming like a madman.

 

•••••

Diana sat in the cage, listening to that madwoman carry on and on and on and on about shit that she didn’t care about. She contemplated finding a vacuum and just letting it suck her in. But she couldn’t do that. She had to save her friends back at home.

She reached up with a paw and knocked her fedora off. 

“AND THEN I TOLD TV TO GO– oh hey what happened to Diana????? Oops I should let you go.”

Diana was promptly released from her confinement. She grabbed her fedora and somehow put it back on, and then jumped at that crazy blonde bitch.

“uuuuuUuuUuAAAAAAAHAHAHAHSHDHFKF”

 

•••••

“Bam! It’s done.” 

Saran nodded at his brother’s invention, thoroughly impressed by how dumb it looked. It looked like a piece of shit but he was going to act like he thought it was good.

“Now we need to find Dinny~~~,” Sven purred.

Just then, a mutant vacuum cleaner appeared. 

“T R A S H!!!!!” it yelled.

“NO DONT DO GHAT MY ENRONEENDNWL”

It inhaled Sven’s invention before vacuuming away.

“HAHAHDKEEVWKDHJDBFN”

 

•••••

Suddenly, the city of Seoul blew up from all the yelling.

TV turned to his bud and screamed, “JAMMIN WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?!?”

Jammin screamed, “MY DIANA THE 2ND!?!?!?!!!!!”

The end.

RIP.


End file.
